It is easy to lose sight of the bigger picture. These past two months have brought me to a place where I am aware that I am in desperate need of perspective. It isn’t that there has been tons of big things- it is everything, big and little, that wears me down little by little. I feel like I’m falling. The falling isn’t the bad part, it is natural given who I am- frail, weak and needy. The danger is if I fall back onto my own strength or try to figure it out on my own. I need to fall back into the arms of someone who can provide the perspective I need.
Let me see… maybe a short rehash will help me put things into the right places. My apologizes if it seems like “stream of consciousness” writing.
-After a crazy week of preparations and late nights
-my husband takes a long trip with hopes of deciding where we will go after language study, which is cut sort by
-a daughter who falls ill and is hospitalized for 4 days which leads to
-a serious lack of sleep and weariness of body which leads to
-a state of mind that realizes how frail I am and how everything is so intricately balanced in my life.
-Termites, heat, disobedient children, knowing that it is a special holiday season back home that I’m missing, getting behind on correspondence, not getting my hours in of study, struggling to say very basic things in Tagalog that I learned a least a year ago- each incident feels like it carries more weight than it actually does.
-After this I unwittingly get myself involved in a couple of big cultural no-no’s and that gets me to wondering about
-what the grander purpose is of all of this and throws me back onto
-What am I doing? Why am I here again? And that reminds me that maybe I’m asking the wrong questions. Maybe I should be asking…
-Who called me here? Who made me and knows that I am but dust? What is He capable of? Has He ever used failures before? Is He able to take a tired, worn out, blundering fool who dishonors Him in thought and action and use her for something great?